If you wanted an uplifting blog about finding joy and meaning then you’ve come to the wrong place. This is not that. It is just me, a grieving mum, sinking further into a pit of hopelessness and despair.
Some days are worse than others, like today. I’ve found that the waves of grief are constantly ebbing and flowing. Sometimes they will pull you completely under and thrash you around without allowing you up for air. Other times the feeling of numbness seems to keep them under control at least long enough to be able to function for a short while, but the deep sadness is always there. It came on the day my son died and it has never left. Sometimes I can sit with it. Other times it is too heavy and overwhelming and I don’t know how I can go on like this, with these feelings, forever. I know it’s okay to feel sad but I would like to feel less sad. I would be grateful for even a few minutes respite from this excruciating pain.
I wake up and I remember you’re dead and this is my life. My stomach sinks and I will reluctantly get ready for the day. I brush my teeth and think of you being dead, I make coffee and think of you being dead. It doesn’t ever stop. I am tired of waking up. I am tired of feeling you die every single day.
I leave the house on a morning with your sister, my social anxiety, and a body that feels too heavy for me to carry and wait for the school bus. I can’t bear to listen to the people around me talk about all these things that seem so meaningless now. Your sister is counting down the days to her birthday and all can think of is how you will not be here. I no longer see the beauty in the world around me. Everything is too loud, too busy and too peopley. I will wave goodbye to your little sister and think about you being dead. I will think about how I would also like to be dead and free of this unforgiving pain, no longer having to wake another day in this real life nightmare. I am shit at being a mum. I thought this was the one thing I got right, but I didn’t. I am completely failing.
I am so deeply unhappy. I struggle to find anything to be grateful for. I should be trying to focus on my fitness, getting myself prepared to climb Old Man Mountain on our trip to Canada in the summer but my body just hurts. I hurt everywhere and I feel as though I am walking in treacle. And no matter what I tell myself, I can’t pretend this is a holiday. I can’t begin to wrap my head around having to carry my childs ashes…
in a rucksack…
on my back…
up a mountain…
to tip them out onto the ground.
I am not okay with this. I should be going there with you. You should be the one taking us to all the places you loved. I should be meeting your friends with you. You were meant to take me to Bavaria to see the beautiful Neuschwanstein Castle. We were meant to have different life to this one. I should not be sitting here with your ashes held in a cardboard tube in the cupboard next to me, labelled, ‘The cremated remains of Liam Foster’. This can not be my fucking life.
No one should ever know this pain. Everything is a horrible mess and I am completely lost.
Life without you is exhausting and I am so deeply unhappy. More than anything, I just want to disappear.
Not This Ending. 
Hey Lisa I get you and first of all you are not a shit mum you wouldn’t be doing everything for Liam if you were, going to Canada is gonna be tough but your doing it for your beautiful boy and Farran and Jaden who is gonna be keeping you going. I totally get how you feel about the world my family have talked me into going on holiday in March to Costa Adeja in Tenerife I couldn’t give a shit about going on holiday I’m okay with just being at home but I know my husband needs the break, people tell me it will do me good, how!!!! No one gets it I don’t get excited about anything anymore I just go from day to day. I get how you don’t want to take Liam in your rucksack it’s like when I go to Liam’s tree every week and I think you shouldn’t be here I shouldn’t be visiting a tree where you are I should be visiting you in what ever country you decided to travel to next. Unfortunately we can’t disappear it’s not an option for us we love are kids so much and we don’t want them in any more pain than they already are. I started exercising last year it has helped a little maybe it’s because it’s in my own gym that Liam wanted when he was 13 we converted our garage and when Liam was home last time he used it all the time and kept telling me to get my arse in there so I feel like he’s in there with me, there are times when I’m in tears in there and I’m screaming for him. If it’s helpful I have a trampoline I go on for about 20 minutes I bounce around to music there only about 40 quid on eBay you could do it in your kitchen and maybe have a bit of a girly giggly time with Farran. I use every else in there too because Liam used it all not the trampoline though that’s my thing. I will send you a pick on messenger I’ve got a video of me when I sent it to my daughter if you want to see how daft I look. Always thinking of you Lisa sending you lots of love xxxx ❤️❤️❤️❤️
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Thank you Vanessa ❤️
We should not have to do this. I don’t think I will ever be able to accept any of this. When Liam was younger, we had gym equipment in our garage. We had a small trampoline too. Me and the kids would go in there for hours. I wish I’d have kept it all in there. It seems a lifetime away now. Lots of love to you, always ❤️❤️❤️❤️
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We won’t ever accept it I know most of the time I’m in denial and I think that’s how I get through each day. I can’t deal with the reality. I think it’s harder for you because you found Liam I can’t even begin to fathom what that did to you. I didn’t get to see my Liam when we got to Sweden they said I couldn’t see him at that time as they were working on him all I saw was his coffin at his cremation that was brutal they had to get me off his coffin, the funeral director did take pictures of him in his coffin but I still haven’t looked at them sometimes I think I want to, she said he looked beautiful but she only saw him in death. If he looks asleep then that’s fine but if he looks dead I don’t know how I will deal with that. Maybe just get a trampoline instead of the gym equipment and hopefully it will make all your kid’s smile if you think it’s not too painful for you all. Well Here’s to us having yet just another shit nights sleep I wish I could say sleep well but I know we don’t. Lots of love to you and your three beautiful babies xxxx❤️❤️❤️❤️
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Someone sent me your twitter name and, as I read your writing, I could also hear it with my voice inside my head. My son died by suicide on January 12, 2021. I wish I had physically died that day. I merely exist since then. I feel only slightly better, but I am a rollercoaster of emotions. If I can help you in any way, please feel free to contact me. I am more of a texter, but I am here. You are not alone.
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