I miss you. Not with a fond smile or a warm feeling inside. With a relentless longing, pining, excruciating ache. Perhaps something that could be likened to having my heart ripped out of my chest and eaten by a wild animal. Obviously that would be more preferable. Anything would be.
I miss the feeling I got when my phone lit up with your name, when you walked in through the door. I miss the unpredictability of what our next topic of conversation would be. I miss being amazed at your intelligence and your dry humour. I miss your infectious smile and your amazing blue eyes. I miss the uniqueness and the beauty of you and all that you did, the way you gave everything your absolute all. I miss the future. I miss our before life. The before life when I felt joy and happiness, before all I knew was annihilated. Before my soul was crushed. Before, when I loved life and I didn’t wish it was over.
On the day you were born, I was overcome with an intense and immeasurable, unconditional love. I wanted nothing more than you. I had an incredible and overwhelming urge to always protect you and keep you safe. You were my world and I loved you more than life. You were my reason to live. Who could’ve ever foreseen that one day, your actions would destroy everything, all of this life. That one day you would take all of this away and the sheer force of it all would knock the breath right out of me and leave such devastating consequences and indescribable sorrow, so intense that it was intolerable for any human body or mind to bear.
But I have three children. Three pieces that I need to make me whole. Because you are not here, I am not whole and I can never be whole again. So how will that work? Some days I tell myself that I will have to try with all I am to spend my remaining time on earth, broken without you, to do my best to navigate through the wreckage. But some days I can’t. Some days I can not live without you and I do not want to try. Some days I know I am too broken to continue without all my pieces and that the damage is too severe and irreparable, that it would be pointless, or even impossible, to try.
I don’t want to live a life that has been destroyed in such a vile way. One where I have to watch people carry on with their lives, whist mine is in shreds and tatters. One where I have to listen to people talking about the weather and all the other meaningless things normal people drone on about, in their normal lives. I don’t want to feign interest in other people. I no longer have an ounce of compassion for anything with any resemblance of normal mundane life. Because mine is no more, and I can not relate, even slightly, to anything as it was before. Only after. The after is a hollow, ruined, shattered life, with nothing except despair and constant pain. A life where the guilt and regret are so consuming, it makes me physically sick. A life where I am constantly beaten up by the whys that I will never know the answer to. And even if I did, would it really matter?
I don’t want this life anymore but I don’t want to pass on this pain. But then could anyone feel this the way I do? The before me had such love for life. The after me despises it and curses when I wake in the morning.
I feel so torn.
Not This Ending. 
Hi. Firstly, and most importantly, HANG IN THERE…you aren’t alone in your grief and unwholeness.
As a mother, this post has tears down my cheeks, I felt this.
As a compassionate human being who knows loss and grief too well, I want to remind you that you are repairable, somehow and some way, you are.
Your strength oozes from the pages; and there’s something to be said for such intense grief as yours. Just keep going. Keep writing.
.HUGS.
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Thank you so much for taking the time offer your kind words of support. I feel far from strong but I really appreciate the reassurance. Thank you ❤️
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