The Mother You Left Behind
No one knows what you felt in that moment, or what torment devoured your mind.
But the one who will ask herself always is me, the Mother you left behind.
I will search high and low for the answers, all the what ifs, should’ves and whys.
I will scour the depths of all that I am, in the midst of my anguishing cries.
If only I’d listened more carefully, hugged you tighter and longer each day.
If only I’d done this job better, then maybe you’d be here today.
Could something I’d said or done saved you?
Could I have been more attentive and kind?
The unbearable pain is consuming, for the Mother you left behind.
I would give up my life to hold you, just to have you and make this okay.
To wipe away all the despair that you felt, and erase memories ingrained from that day.
All hope disappeared in that moment, leaving nothing but sorrow inside.
The aching and the longing relentless, for the Mother you left behind.
Published by @notthisending
I am Lisa. I am mum to Liam, Jaden and Farran and they are my absolute world.
On March 21st 2021, my eldest son, Liam, took his own life. He was 22 years old. My life ended in that moment. It was, and always will be, the absolute worst. The colours drained from my life and everything turned black.
The before me;
I loved the simple things in life; thunderstorms, coffee and cake, a good book, fresh bedding, a nice walk, the smell of spring, and of course, I love my children, unconditionally. If they’re happy then I’m happy. And I was happy. I would probably have described myself as boring with the sense of humour of a small child who could giggle and find the funny in almost anything.
The after me. The me now;
Now I’m not sure. I get up in the mornings and I do my best. I’m not quite sure about anything else. The happy definitely left. I desperately miss the boring and predictable life I had before. Now I just exist.
I have been thrown into this dark place where people bereaved by suicide are clinging on to the threads of their tattered lives trying to make sense of something that can never be made sense of. I made a promise to myself to never be quiet about this. I want to talk about the struggles and the darkness. I want to talk about suicide and the destruction it leaves in its wake. And I want to talk about my son.
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Not This Ending. 
Today marks 12 months since we lost our darling son forever 16 😢
All of what you write, its as if your writing it on my behalf.
Keeping the memories alive and holding them close.
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I’m sorry you have a reason to relate to this Beth, but I hope there is some small comfort in being able to do so ❤️
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