If you wanted an uplifting blog about finding joy and meaning then you’ve come to the wrong place. This is not that. It is just me, a grieving mum, sinking further into a pit of hopelessness and despair. Some days are worse than others, like today. I’ve found that the waves of grief are constantlyContinue reading “309 days. I am so deeply unhappy.”
Tag Archives: bereavement
305 days. It still feels like yesterday.
You have been dead for 305 days but it feels like just yesterday. The events of that day and the days leading up to it, play on a loop in my mind, over and over. There are moments when the flashbacks catapult me right back to that awful day, where I am screaming at youContinue reading “305 days. It still feels like yesterday.”
185 Days. Still shit but different.
It’s been a while since I wrote anything. Things haven’t been great. I can’t find the words. I haven’t really cared enough about anything or anyone really. I haven’t ‘become accustomed to’ or ‘adjusted to’ this god awful nightmare that is now my life. I still curse the universe when I realise I am stillContinue reading “185 Days. Still shit but different.”
103 days. I blame myself.
103 days. As if it has been 103 days. 103 days since we spoke. Fuck this is hard. I think I am still overcome with shock. I absolutely blame myself for all of this. Everything. And that’s just how I am dealing with things right now. Guilt and blame, I am told, are normal ‘stages’Continue reading “103 days. I blame myself.”
87 Days. I Just Can’t.
It’s been a few days since I have felt able to write anything and I wasn’t going to bother because things just seem so fucked up in my head and in all honesty, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here anymore. But I figured it’s better out than in, no one has toContinue reading “87 Days. I Just Can’t.”
This Grief.
This grief is vast and hollow and angry and intense. It is confusing and debilitating and agonising and lonely. This grief annihilates everything in its wake. I could select a thousand different words in an attempt to explain the feelings associated with this grief but none would suffice. Words are feeble. But if you know,Continue reading “This Grief.”
74 days. I am so torn.
I miss you. Not with a fond smile or a warm feeling inside. With a relentless longing, pining, excruciating ache. Perhaps something that could be likened to having my heart ripped out of my chest and eaten by a wild animal. Obviously that would be more preferable. Anything would be. I miss the feeling IContinue reading “74 days. I am so torn.”
72 days. The Happy Has Gone.
I want to rip down the stupid ‘HOME IS OUR HAPPY PLACE’ sign from above the door because it is untrue. I feel like it taunts me every day. We had a serving tray with ‘It’s the little things that make life beautiful’ written on it. I smashed that up in the week afterwards inContinue reading “72 days. The Happy Has Gone.”
I think I’m going crazy
I find that I often write ‘to’ Liam, rather than about him. And that the focus is largely about me and how I feel. But actually, that’s all there is in me at the minute. Just me and my thoughts. I find I have little space for anything or anyone else. The thoughts are justContinue reading “I think I’m going crazy”
38 days.
38 days. The worst 38 days of my entire existence. Sometimes I want to share my most disturbing and difficult thoughts so that everyone can have a glimpse of how hard this is, but it wouldn’t help, even if I was super articulate, I could never do these feelings justice by trying to use somethingContinue reading “38 days.”
Not This Ending. 