@notthisending

72 days. The Happy Has Gone.

I want to rip down the stupid ‘HOME IS OUR HAPPY PLACE’ sign from above the door because it is untrue. I feel like it taunts me every day. We had a serving tray with ‘It’s the little things that make life beautiful’ written on it. I smashed that up in the week afterwards inContinue reading “72 days. The Happy Has Gone.”

I think I’m going crazy

I find that I often write ‘to’ Liam, rather than about him. And that the focus is largely about me and how I feel. But actually, that’s all there is in me at the minute. Just me and my thoughts. I find I have little space for anything or anyone else. The thoughts are justContinue reading “I think I’m going crazy”

This is not okay. None of this.

I always found writing enjoyable and helpful but that has gone now. You would hate that I am being so open about you. But does that matter now? Nothing matters now. I don’t care. I want the whole world to feel some of this. I don’t know how my heart hasn’t just stopped beating. IContinue reading “This is not okay. None of this.”

69 days. I am angry.

I feel so angry with the world, and everyone in it for that matter. I am mostly angry with myself. The guilt feels unbearable. I could never imagine a feeling so heavy as this, as all of this, all of these feelings. I am angry that this is my life. I am angry that IContinue reading “69 days. I am angry.”

If I Had The Chance

If I had the chance, I would tell you that the day you die, so will I.I would hear you, really hear you, not listen and offer solutions.I would encourage you to see what an amazing person you are and what an exciting future lay ahead.I would tell you that what you are feeling now,Continue reading “If I Had The Chance”

The Mother You Left Behind

The Mother You Left Behind No one knows what you felt in that moment, or what torment devoured your mind.But the one who will ask herself always is me, the Mother you left behind.I will search high and low for the answers, all the what ifs, should’ves and whys.I will scour the depths of allContinue reading “The Mother You Left Behind”

48 days.

I don’t understand how any human body can take this unsurmountable grief that annihilates all we are and not die. Maybe it’s the way the brain tricks us into not believing this is real and that you’re going to walk through the door any moment. Or the way it tricks us into thinking that thisContinue reading “48 days.”

43 days.

Every morning I miss this. I miss the weird things we would talk about in the early hours. I miss the way you challenged and taxed my brain at all hours. I miss the way you got my humour and I got yours, anyone else would’ve been shocked or offended but we could just letContinue reading “43 days.”

42 days. National Bereaved Mothers Day.

As if today is ‘national bereaved mothers’ day, where people should be able to share their stories without feeling judged, in a society that doesn’t want to hear it. There’s so much wrong in how we treat parents who have lost children, like it’s something they will ever get over. What utter bollocks. For mostContinue reading “42 days. National Bereaved Mothers Day.”

38 days.

38 days. The worst 38 days of my entire existence. Sometimes I want to share my most disturbing and difficult thoughts so that everyone can have a glimpse of how hard this is, but it wouldn’t help, even if I was super articulate, I could never do these feelings justice by trying to use somethingContinue reading “38 days.”