I want to rip down the stupid ‘HOME IS OUR HAPPY PLACE’ sign from above the door because it is untrue. I feel like it taunts me every day. We had a serving tray with ‘It’s the little things that make life beautiful’ written on it. I smashed that up in the week afterwards in between uncontrollable crying and banging my head into the wall. My daughter saw it in pieces and I was reminded, yet again, just how shit I am. I am not doing a great job, maybe I never did. There is certainly not an awful lot of happy going on around here and I feel so bad for my children. I feel as though I have failed at the one mission in life that I was determined to get right and had such a passion for; raising good, happy kids. My kids were the one thing I thought I had got right in life.
The weather hasn’t helped (as weird as that sounds). There are so many people out enjoying the weather and enjoying each other and I resent everyone for having so much fun. How dare they? I closed all the windows in the house but I can still hear children laughing, not my own obviously, although I did try to go out in the garden earlier with my daughter, it was short lived. I think my negative energy must be draining, even for an 8 year old. I’m not sure whether to try harder or just give up. I’d probably place my bet on the latter but I’ll decide another day. It’s difficult knowing what to say to an 8 year old who constantly asks, ‘Are you going to cry mummy?’ or ‘Sorry you’re sad, will you smile’ or ‘Are you thinking of Liam?’. I know I need to be there for them but it’s so incredibly hard to muster the energy. And also, yes, Liam is all I think about.
All day and all Night.
The way he looked and acted at his sisters age. All the things he liked to do. All the things he liked to eat. The way she is so different from him. The way he was always impressed with how smart she is. I always imagined them getting on well as adults. She has a similar sense of humour to Liam’s but he certainly mastered sarcasm at a younger age. She is way more sensitive, much like her other brother. I think of Liam when I see his brother. I think of Liam when I see either of them actually. When I see anyone else at all. I think of how unlike Liam they are and how I will never have the privilege of his amazing and unique personality ever again. And how now, I am unable to appreciate the equally individual qualities of his siblings. I have zero appreciation for anything or anyone. Long gone are the days when I would find joy in the simple pleasures life offered.
The joy, the contentment, the excitement, the hope, the happy, but to name a few, disappeared from my life on that day and I don’t think they will ever come back. Because surely I was able to feel all of these things because my heart and my life were filled with so much love? Surely that’s where the happy came from? Surely it’s not possible to feel happiness ever again after this? And surely it’s not possible to live a life void of happiness? And what would be the point?
Home was our happy place but it most definitely isn’t anymore.
Not This Ending. 