It’s mesmerising the way you look so much like me, but so much better looking with your amazing blue eyes and gorgeous smile with those perfect teeth, exactly the same shaped teeth as mine. It doesn’t feel real. What now? Who will I talk to late into the night about the things only we talked about? You always knew the answer to everything. How can anything go on? I hate that the birds still sing and the sun still sets and people go about their day. Today is 3 weeks since the colour and meaning drained from this life. I should have reminded you more about how special you were and how much you meant. I hate this ending. I hate this existence.
I am Lisa. I am mum to Liam, Jaden and Farran and they are my absolute world.
On March 21st 2021, my eldest son, Liam, took his own life. He was 22 years old. My life ended in that moment. It was, and always will be, the absolute worst. The colours drained from my life and everything turned black.
The before me;
I loved the simple things in life; thunderstorms, coffee and cake, a good book, fresh bedding, a nice walk, the smell of spring, and of course, I love my children, unconditionally. If they’re happy then I’m happy. And I was happy. I would probably have described myself as boring with the sense of humour of a small child who could giggle and find the funny in almost anything.
The after me. The me now;
Now I’m not sure. I get up in the mornings and I do my best. I’m not quite sure about anything else. The happy definitely left. I desperately miss the boring and predictable life I had before. Now I just exist.
I have been thrown into this dark place where people bereaved by suicide are clinging on to the threads of their tattered lives trying to make sense of something that can never be made sense of. I made a promise to myself to never be quiet about this. I want to talk about the struggles and the darkness. I want to talk about suicide and the destruction it leaves in its wake. And I want to talk about my son.
View more posts
Not This Ending. 