This is not okay. None of this.

I always found writing enjoyable and helpful but that has gone now. You would hate that I am being so open about you. But does that matter now? Nothing matters now. I don’t care. I want the whole world to feel some of this.

I don’t know how my heart hasn’t just stopped beating. I can’t focus on any of the happy moments because there is no happy left. I can’t be grateful for all the times we had because they have stopped and there will be no more times to be grateful for.

I completely agree with all you ever said about death meaning absolute death. I believe in nothing now too. You were always right.

I read the beautiful things people say about you and how they describe your relationship with them, and I hurt even more, if that’s even possible. Because you could not see how amazing you were. And you were amazing, beyond amazing. I would have absorbed your negative thoughts and feelings and carried them around with me for the rest of my life to take them from you. Isn’t that what I am doing now anyway? All there is now is before and after. And the after is a living torture. It is not a life.

There is only an empty void, filled with despair and an aching that feels as though it might kill me. People who say they know, they don’t know. They didn’t hold you inside their womb, they didn’t spend every waking hour with you. You didn’t bring them a purpose to life when they brought you into this world. They didn’t teach you to talk and walk and to swim and ride your bike. They didn’t teach you to read and write and tuck you in at bed time. They didn’t burst with pride watching you grow.

You had so many dreams and ambitions. It was not ‘meant to be this way’. This was not ‘part of Gods plan’. Everything does not happen for a reason. This was not your story Liam. All I ever said about gratitude and giving thanks to the amazing universe? Bollocks. You were right.

I am struggling to even comprehend the events of this past 3 weeks. Should I be writing this here rather than in my own private journal? I don’t know. Do I care? I don’t. I want the whole world to know. I want the whole world to feel my pain. A pain that I just wish would take me. My soul is destroyed.

I can remember every second from that day onwards and it plays on a loop, constantly. I am plagued with what ifs and whys and should’ves and could’ves and I have no time for anyone who tries to tell me otherwise. They don’t know. I should have known though. It was my job to know. It was my purpose in life to ensure I did everything I could for you. What a job to fail at.

I can still see your face and hear my screams now. I thought you were breathing and there was so much hope in me. But it was my breath. I have never hoped for anything so much in my life. I have never prayed to anything and everything so much in my life. But all that was left was your smell. My favourite smell.

This is not okay. None of this.