I don’t understand how any human body can take this unsurmountable grief that annihilates all we are and not die. Maybe it’s the way the brain tricks us into not believing this is real and that you’re going to walk through the door any moment. Or the way it tricks us into thinking that this is a god awful nightmare and we just need to wake up. Maybe it’s the way the brain tricks us into thinking things that aren’t true. We know how powerful the brain can be and how susceptible it is to believing the lies it conjures up. I don’t think the word ‘live’ is an accurate description. The body functions in those times that the mind tells us this is not true.
I am Lisa. I am mum to Liam, Jaden and Farran and they are my absolute world.
On March 21st 2021, my eldest son, Liam, took his own life. He was 22 years old. My life ended in that moment. It was, and always will be, the absolute worst. The colours drained from my life and everything turned black.
The before me;
I loved the simple things in life; thunderstorms, coffee and cake, a good book, fresh bedding, a nice walk, the smell of spring, and of course, I love my children, unconditionally. If they’re happy then I’m happy. And I was happy. I would probably have described myself as boring with the sense of humour of a small child who could giggle and find the funny in almost anything.
The after me. The me now;
Now I’m not sure. I get up in the mornings and I do my best. I’m not quite sure about anything else. The happy definitely left. I desperately miss the boring and predictable life I had before. Now I just exist.
I have been thrown into this dark place where people bereaved by suicide are clinging on to the threads of their tattered lives trying to make sense of something that can never be made sense of. I made a promise to myself to never be quiet about this. I want to talk about the struggles and the darkness. I want to talk about suicide and the destruction it leaves in its wake. And I want to talk about my son.
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Not This Ending. 