If I could have just one more day with you, I would take you out in the fresh air for the longest walk.
I would hold your hand, feel your fingers in mine and link arms.
I would rest my head next to your shoulder, it’s the perfect height for that.
I would breathe you in the whole time.
I would remind you how amazing you are and we would talk about all things random the whole time.
I would spend more time looking at the way your beautiful blue eyes sparkle.
I would tell you that you could tell me anything, ever, and I would really listen and really hear you.
I would bring you home and keep you with me. I would cook for you and when you got tired, I would sit with you all night.
I would have sat with you every
Single.
Night.
Forever.
Published by @notthisending
I am Lisa. I am mum to Liam, Jaden and Farran and they are my absolute world.
On March 21st 2021, my eldest son, Liam, took his own life. He was 22 years old. My life ended in that moment. It was, and always will be, the absolute worst. The colours drained from my life and everything turned black.
The before me;
I loved the simple things in life; thunderstorms, coffee and cake, a good book, fresh bedding, a nice walk, the smell of spring, and of course, I love my children, unconditionally. If they’re happy then I’m happy. And I was happy. I would probably have described myself as boring with the sense of humour of a small child who could giggle and find the funny in almost anything.
The after me. The me now;
Now I’m not sure. I get up in the mornings and I do my best. I’m not quite sure about anything else. The happy definitely left. I desperately miss the boring and predictable life I had before. Now I just exist.
I have been thrown into this dark place where people bereaved by suicide are clinging on to the threads of their tattered lives trying to make sense of something that can never be made sense of. I made a promise to myself to never be quiet about this. I want to talk about the struggles and the darkness. I want to talk about suicide and the destruction it leaves in its wake. And I want to talk about my son.
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Not This Ending. 