28 days since I found you. 28 days without you. 28 nights where I have hoped I wouldn’t wake up and nearly 28 mornings when I have. 28 days where I have had to carry on being a mum to your brother and sister without you. Doing all the shit I don’t care about and don’t want to do anymore, make food, washing, cleaning, bath time, playtime, bedtime, sorting uniform, school dinners, bills. All those things that seem to have paled into insignificance. These are dark days. Today I am agitated and I hate everyone. I would have liked to tell you about my day but I haven’t been able to, for 28 dragging god forsaken days. You’d have laughed and cringed at parts. ‘I’m sticking with you, ‘cause I’m made out of glue…’ We didn’t sing that in ages.
I am Lisa. I am mum to Liam, Jaden and Farran and they are my absolute world.
On March 21st 2021, my eldest son, Liam, took his own life. He was 22 years old. My life ended in that moment. It was, and always will be, the absolute worst. The colours drained from my life and everything turned black.
The before me;
I loved the simple things in life; thunderstorms, coffee and cake, a good book, fresh bedding, a nice walk, the smell of spring, and of course, I love my children, unconditionally. If they’re happy then I’m happy. And I was happy. I would probably have described myself as boring with the sense of humour of a small child who could giggle and find the funny in almost anything.
The after me. The me now;
Now I’m not sure. I get up in the mornings and I do my best. I’m not quite sure about anything else. The happy definitely left. I desperately miss the boring and predictable life I had before. Now I just exist.
I have been thrown into this dark place where people bereaved by suicide are clinging on to the threads of their tattered lives trying to make sense of something that can never be made sense of. I made a promise to myself to never be quiet about this. I want to talk about the struggles and the darkness. I want to talk about suicide and the destruction it leaves in its wake. And I want to talk about my son.
View more posts
Not This Ending. 