“When you are in that desperate, frantic, lightless moment of despair—reason fails. There is no processing of things that seem so clear to people sitting calmly in parks and at desks and living rooms offering detached, knee-jerk commentary; those in their right minds, unclouded, lucid, and sober. That is what mental illness does, that is what addiction does, that is what depression does: it convinces your head that nothing matters, that this terrible moment will not pass, that nothing will get better, that you are fully, irreparably, and permanently f*cked. It doesn’t have to make sense, it doesn’t require objective proof, and it has no need for logic—you just feel it. In those moments the only thing you want is escape—and the choices people make in those moments are beyond what any of us have the right to criticize from outside of it.”
And then, in that moment, all of this pain is transferred to the mother that grew you inside of her, that fell unconditionally in love with you, whose world revolved around you and your happiness, who would have moved mountains to fix your problems, to take you away from all of this and to hold you and make it all okay. Because that is her sole purpose in life, to be there for you in every single minute of every single day, no matter how long that takes or how much love, help and support you need. Because of this moment, lives are ruined beyond repair, just ended. They have no purpose. There is no joy in the world, only a deep despair that will never ease. Unless you have experienced your child taking their own life by suicide, you do not have ANYTHING to compare this deep, overwhelming, consuming, pain and grief that drowns you. And you want it to. You feel it may kill you and you want it to, because that is the only way it will ever end.
I have these moments when I am able to write or to talk, when I feel almost numb. It is in these moments that I read and respond to messages and the distraction they bring for a short while. I have realised in these past few weeks since my world ended that some people will never even be able to begin to understand, that they do not have the capacity within them to grasp the enormousness of this. They are unable to comprehend the raging pit of despair that I have fallen in to and will never be free from. I have realised that some relationships are severed in an instant. The people who have this distorted view that I give any care at all for the meaningless, insensitive questions they have. I do not want or need anyone’s hollow sympathy. I do not care for anyone’s insignificant opinion. I have no clue how I am still breathing or how long I will continue to breath for but I am truly grateful for those that have been there and have been helpful.
This was not how our story was meant to go.
Liam’s mum.
Not This Ending. 